Embracing Failure: Don’t Fear It, Celebrate It!
From a young age, we were taught that failure is unacceptable and bad. We learn this when we get a poor grade and our family reacts, when we ask a question in class and don't know the answer, when we face bullying from our peers, or when our sports team loses and our teammates respond. There’s a pervasive belief that success is fueled by failure. If you mock yourself enough and feel enough shame, you'll be motivated to succeed, right?
However, we have not always been people who shun risk. In infancy, our resilience to failure is at its highest. When we fall while learning to walk, we shake it off and stand back up. But as life progresses, from our first low exam score or not getting the desired role in the school play, we quickly learn that winning is celebrated, but losing is not.
By the time we start high school, we are suddenly expected to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives. There’s little tolerance for trial and error, exploring different paths, taking risks, and learning along the way.
Therefore, we invite you to not only accept failure but to take a step further and celebrate it. Instead of getting stuck in a rut, have a fancy dinner with friends, treat yourself to a spa day, or organize a "pity party" for yourself like one of our experts in this story. But before you bring out the balloons, champagne, and confetti, keep reading...
Experts:
Dr. Jenny Wang, a licensed psychologist, speaker, and author of "Returning Home: Regaining Mental Health as Asian Americans." She is also the founder of the @asiansformentalhealth Instagram community.
Jody Michael, a psychotherapist, executive coach, and author of "Gentle Leadership: Less Stress, Clear Thinking, and Easy Leadership."
Katie Zeppieri, a two-time TEDx speaker, author, serial entrepreneur, and founder and chief marketer of The MicDrop Agency.
What are the psychological benefits of celebrating your failures?
It promotes openness and connection. Something special happens when you confess your failure to a close friend - or if you feel brave, to your followers. Your openness allows the other person to be open in return. Dr. Wang says, "If we can name and share our failures, we often shed the shame associated with failure. Shame proliferates in silence and isolation, but named failure can begin to dissipate."
It encourages growth. If you go through life never failing, you end up with a rather stagnant (and boring) existence. You experience only success and do not grow... boring! Dr. Wang adds, "If I never stumble or fail, I won’t know my areas of growth or what I could improve. I wouldn’t be able to handle the errors and complexity on the path to success."
It increases your tolerance for risk-taking. Failure requires practice too. The more you do it, the more your tolerance for the discomfort that comes with making mistakes increases. It's like a muscle that strengthens the more you stretch it—or in this case, stumble. Dr. Wang says, "If failure is on the table, it means you're taking some risks. You're saying, 'I'm not 100% sure about this, but I'll try it anyway and see what happens.' And that's worth celebrating."
Only entrepreneurs can cope with failure, adds Michael, and this is what makes them so successful. Entrepreneurs can fail and fail quickly, then learn from their mistakes in a healthy and positive way and pivot. Zeppieri agrees, "One of the healthiest things you can do as a person and especially as an entrepreneur is to separate your successes and failures from your identity. And that’s really, really hard."
It mitigates the emotional blow. It's human nature to distance oneself as much as possible from the feeling of failure. You want to blame others, deflect shame, and hide, so doing the opposite—celebrating your mistakes and being in the spotlight—is like medicine for the soul. After all, failure is inevitable. Michael says, "We want to be good from the start. And that's not a reasonable expectation. Mastery is filled with errors and failures. And often, the bigger the mistake, the deeper the learning."
It helps us separate failure from our identity. Raise your hand if you’ve ever called yourself a "failure." Many of us have, right? Dr. Wang says, "Failure feels like it's linked to punishment. 'I didn't earn enough, and therefore I don't deserve success.' Therefore, celebrating a failure tells your brain you don’t need to 'earn' a celebration, you are just celebrating yourself outside of the failed outcome. Essentially, we’re saying, 'I am still valuable, human, and worthy of love.' And we honor that."
What are the best ways to celebrate your failure?
According to Dr. Wang, there's no one "right" way. Whatever calms your nervous system is what you need to do. For some, this might be organizing a pity party or going out for a meal with friends. But for others, that could be too overwhelming. Celebrating failure might look like taking a long, hot bath followed by dousing yourself in a luxurious lotion, treating yourself to that pair of shoes you’ve wanted for a long time, or having a quiet night with a partner, a trusted family member, or a close friend. Dr. Wang says, "You can also honor your failure by allowing yourself to feel the sadness that comes with loss. And honoring these feelings can also calm your nervous system."
Michael also recommends sharing your failure with others. Bring it up in a meeting with your team and take responsibility. Although it sounds scary, it creates a safe and open environment for learning in the workplace. Another idea? According to Michael, creating a ritual to review your week every Friday and writing down a lesson you learned. This trains your brain to proactively seek out mistakes and failures and not to fear them. "It’s a powerful tool for building self-awareness."
"There's a saying that what gets celebrated gets repeated." Is this applicable to celebrating failure?
Short answer: No. Celebrating being laid off doesn't mean it will happen again. The intent behind the celebration is important, says Dr. Wang. "Because if you're celebrating failure in a way that's avoidant, dissociative, and disconnected, you may not internalize what that failure actually gifted you." Think about why you failed, what resources and skills were lacking, and what you could do differently next time. (Psst... Our Coping with Failure Survey has more questions to help you.)
Do you have any advice on changing your perspective to embrace failure more?
In his book "Gentle Leadership: Less Stress, Clear Thinking, and Easy Leadership," Michael outlines exactly what to do when failure occurs, based on his research with senior executives over 20 years. It can be broken down into a memorable mnemonic device:
Assess your emotion (Are you humiliated? Are you embarrassed? What are the thoughts causing these feelings?)
Breathe (Not just any breath - a deep breath in from your diaphragm, count to six, and slowly exhale. This helps you move from your mind into your body.)
Choose to take responsibility for your thoughts, mood, and actions (Don’t blame, don’t complain, and don’t focus on external factors. Take responsibility for your emotional state and situation.)
Determine what your current lens is (What is the perspective causing you stress? "I’m not good enough," "I’m not smart enough," "It’s not fair?")
Explore other lenses (Try some new perspectives. "How else could I view this?" Try to understand what you might be missing or not seeing.)
Select a new lens (This will help you see your failure as an opportunity for development. What do you need to know, do, or overcome to succeed in the future?)
Zeppieri also suggests embracing the idea of change and rejecting the notion that you are a static person, i.e., the idea that your habits, likes, dislikes, and identity will always stay the same. She advises telling yourself, "I am more than my actions, and every new risk I take gives me a chance to grow." "The best way to get comfortable with failure is to put yourself out there more. Imagine yourself as a being that can be molded like clay."
Another thing that can help you reframe failure is to remember that failure is neutral on its own. It’s a construct, and every individual has created their own meaning of what failure is, says Michael. "Failure is a part of life, it’s inevitable. Not everything goes according to plan." But you can choose how failure affects and defines you. You can let it completely destroy your self-respect, or you can use it to your advantage. Michael adds, "Problems are always opportunities."
Embracing and celebrating failure is a powerful way to change your mindset and reframe your perspective on failure. It can help you learn from your mistakes, increase your tolerance for taking risks, and ultimately become a more resilient and self-confident individual.
